What Will People Think?

What will people think?

I heard some version of this question for all of my childhood and adolescence. It seemed like everyone I knew during my early years valued the answer to this question, and I learned that I should do the same.

The “people” were not clearly defined, but the implied definition was the people whose approval was essential in order to be included. Sometimes I assumed “people” meant the matriarchs at church who were friends with my great-grandmother. 

This question never meant something positive. The assumed responses to the question were, “They will think less of you. They will associate you with people they think less of. They will exclude you.” And the idea that “they” would think these things was supposed to keep you from doing anything “they” might disapprove of. The question was based on a social structure where a hierarchy of worth was controlled by a small group of powerbrokers. 

I grew up with the constant awareness that I was performing for an undefined audience grading me with a rubric that was never clearly articulated. However, it was always clear that being well-behaved, accommodating, polite, and straight were baseline expectations. I learned to make decisions - or get stuck in the paralysis of analysis -  based on the opinions of others instead of my own opinion. 

Thankfully, I have learned better questions to ask. I have learned to value my own opinion, needs, and interests more than the opinions of people who think they get to determine my life or my worth. They don’t. I do. And when I take the time to ask better questions, I live a more deeply rooted, fruitful life. 

My better questions are:

Is this what I want?

Will this help me or will it hurt me?

Will this get me closer to the life I am working to create, or will it move me away from that goal?

How will I feel if I do this?

How will this impact the people who matter the most to me?

When these questions are answered, then a better version of the “what will people think” can be asked: How will this impact the people who matter the most to me?

To live a life that is deeply rooted in who we really are, we have to ask better questions when making decisions. 

What we want, how we feel, and the life we are working to create matter so much more than what “people” think.